Good vs Bad

The good days make the bad days tolerable and the bad days make the good days seem so easy. 

Everyone has bad days. This week we had a really bad morning. 

It was probably my fault for scheduling a play date on a school day. It meant I’d have to go from dropping Brooke off at school to the play date with no time for a break in between. 

Before we even got out the door Everett went through 3 outfits and four diapers. He also dirtied my clothes, adding an extra change for me. By the time we arrived to our play date, he had dirtied another outfit – I wanted to cry. I changed him and watched Bryce playing with the girls toys and – wouldn’t you know it – bam! Another dirty diaper and another dirty outfit. I was now out of clothes for him, it was overcast and cool outside, and he was going to have to be in only a diaper. (These are the things I should know from having older kids – but they never went through clothes like Everett does) 

When we got home Everett had imprints from his car seat straps on his chest. He had fussed most of the drive, I hadn’t considered that it was probably because he was uncomfortable. 

In hindsight, I should have had the forethought to grab ‘extra’ spare clothes… But I didn’t. I could have also put a cloth diaper between him and his car seat straps…. But I didn’t. I also could have cancelled the play date… But I needed it. 

We have been very hermit-like since Everett was born. Getting out of the house without messing up naptime or feeding times is not easy, and it gives me some anxiety thinking about it. Something about being alone in public and having the kids flip out terrifies me. I am sure it’s only a matter of time, afterall toddlers are known for their tantrums, and infants can only communicate so many ways so crying is inevitable occasionally. 

Unfortunately, regardless of logic, it scares me a little. 

People can be so judgemental. They offer a disapproving glare, a comment under their breath, roll their eyes, talk about you from a few feet away in a tone of disbelief…. All of these are super helpful when you’re trying to just get through your errand/day/appointment/few moments outside the walls of your house that seem to close in on you more everyday. Believe it or not, when I am in public, the last thing I want to do is make someone else uncomfortable. And it is something I worry about. 

The comfort of home is wonderful, but we need new scenery, friendly interaction from kind people, and most importantly, fun experiences for our memory banks because the years are so short. There seems to be a lot happening in today’s world that make people uncomfortable. Maybe if we give others a little grace we will recieve grace when we need it. 

I do my best to plan trips around Bryce’s moods, the Everett’s feeding schedule, meal times, Brooke’s schoolwork, my own schoolwork, naptime……. Obviously there will be times, more often than not, that something is sacrificed. 

Discipline in public is tricky – so many strangers are quick to assume they know something and report incorrect information. (Thankfully this has not happened to me, but I do know some of the assuming strangers) This makes handling an outburst difficult.  

Nursing in public is a very hot topic. I’m not sure why feeding a baby is so controversial. Nevertheless, if you happen to see my boob, I apologize, I am just as upset as you are. Believe it or not, I am only trying to feed my baby – as discreetly as possible – but his flailing arms and hot blooded tendencies (and other super fun things I won’t bore you with) make keeping him covered difficult – for him and me. And unfortunately, going to the car to feed him is not always possible. 

These little things can turn a good day bad. Add in negative experiences with strangers and it’s enough to make any mom question her decisions/parenting/ability to leave the house without backup. 

There are far more good days than bad, thank goodness, but the sting of those bad days isn’t easy to forget. But without the bad days, the good days wouldn’t be quite as sweet! 

Living as Mama

Growing up I was always a little mommy. I had lots of little cousins to play with and got in my fair share of babysitting – if there was a baby around, I was all about holding/feeding/changing it. I spent quite a bit of time with two of my cousins, babysitting them and spending weeks at a time at their house to help out during the summer. Being a mom is all I ever really wanted to do. What I didn’t know, is that being a mom isn’t always about the sweet, cuddly moments. Sure, I ran into challenging times when babysitting, but I never knew how lucky I was to let someone else take over at the end of the day. 

I have heard it said that the transition from 1 child to 2 is the hardest. Personally, I thought it wasn’t bad. Sure, it helped that my oldest was almost 9 when #2 came along, but overall it seemed to be more smooth than what I had been told about. 

#3, they said, is easy, you barely notice a change at all…….. LIES! In the last 12 weeks I have experience more “challenging” moments (hours, days, weeks) than ever before… In all my 11.5 years of parenting. Theoretically it shouldn’t be so hard… My husband is home to help (vs being deployed), my oldest is 11.5, I have had two previous babies so I should know what to expect…. 

Except – that isn’t the case. 

Everett has shown me exactly how little I know. He has opened my eyes to a whole new list of possibilities and bumps in the road that I never knew possible. Like, for example, the inconvenience of nursing an infant when your toddler is hungry. 

It never fails, I sit down and feed the baby, and Bryce is suddenly ravaging – never mind that he didn’t want a snack 5 minutes earlier. 

You know what else is fun? How Bryce knows (instinctively) to misbehave when I am feeding the baby…. Poor Everett probably associates the phrase “don’t hit your sister” with nursing because he hears it all.the.time! 

To make things even more interesting, Everett rarely nurses quickly, giving Bryce ample time to find all sorts of mischief. 

And Bryce has learned that when my tone gets lower and my voice gets louder that I mean business… He walks over to me, hand on the seat of his pants and sings (literally, sings) “mama, no spanky butt”. It is hilarious. 

I have also been learning about having a baby with an extremely sensitive stomach. I was very lucky to not have experienced this with my other kids – well, not to this extreme anyways. With Everett I cannot have dairy, gluten, eggs, gassy foods, acidic foods…. Cutting out these foods has helped him immensely, and isn’t nearly as difficult as you’d imagine, especially when I can see a big change. But man, I miss butter. 

You know what else is interesting? How close 11 and 2 can be. I would have never guessed that it were possible, oh but it is. 

Humor me for a minute…. 

If I were to tell you that Brooke and Bryce fight constantly over a plastic hammer (or puzzle, book, bat, ball, truck, piece of trash on the ground) you probably wouldn’t believe me. It happens. It so happens. Every. Single. Day. 

This is not something anyone could have prepared me for. Surely there is too many years between them….. Oh, no?, I guess maybe there isn’t….?! Sibling rivalry is real folks… Despite their age difference! 

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. I love my kids more than anything in the world. They make being a mom the best “job” ever… But they also make it hard, and really give me a run for my money. 

The jump from 2 to 3 has been like nothing I could have ever imagined. My hands are full… Overflowing even. And then, so is my heart. 

What didn’t expand is the amount of time in a day. Instead I seem to lose more time than ever before. Especially on the weekends and in the evenings. 

Instead of relying on a clock or a “schedule”, I try to stick to a routine. This works well, until I have to be somewhere, anywhere, at a specific time. Those days are high stress. Getting 3 kids fed, dressed, changed, and out the door isn’t easy – hence my super stylish and glamorous unbrushed, messy mom bun, yoga pants, and no make up “uniform”. (It never seems to fail that when we have somewhere to be there is a poopsplosion or major spit up accident that requires at least one outfit change, and at least one knock down drag out fight over the iPad/backpack/who opens the door….) 

I am incredibly lucky to be a mom, and have three awesome kids. Is the fighting annoying? Yes, but I am lucky to have kids to referee. Do diaper changes sometime feel like a punishment? Yep! But, I am blessed to get to change 12 plus diapers a day. Does it get old constantly telling Bryce not to hit? Definitely, but I am lucky to have a chance to teach my kids how to appropriately express frustration (even if I am still learning how to do this). Do I get tired of a super cranky baby at the end of the day? You know it, but I am lucky to get to cuddle my overtired, cranky baby at the end of an already long and exhausting day. I am blessed to be able to comfort him and soothe him to sleep. Is teaching a smaller version of myself (attitude and all) a challenge? Hahaha, YES! But, I am happy to have the opportunity to homeschool Brooke, taking an active role in her education and giving her the personalized learning experience she wants and loves – and I have been surprised to learn how much I enjoy it too. 

I count my blessings, even when I have been run ragged. 

I lean on my husband and parents for support and help. 

It’s amazing how much time we ‘lose’ just caring for and playing with the kids. That isn’t time wasted. We are putting our time exactly where it should be. We are putting all of our time and energy into raising these little humans who need us and want us around, and we know that this might not always be the case so we are soaking it up while we can. Nothing else in the world is more important than putting our time and efforts into our growing family. 

Without my husband’s and my parents’ support and help, I think I’d be in the loony bin. I am living the life I always wanted. It’s never exactly how you pictured it being, it’s better. I can only hope that they know how hard I try to succeed in living as mama. 

The Story of Us… and an update

In April of 2011 I signed up for an account on eHarmony. I was nearing the end of nursing school (5 months out) and figured that it would take at least six months to meet someone so it seemed like the perfect time. Not a week after I signed up, a profile came up that sparked my interest. I nervously sent out the communication attempt (which if I remember correctly is multiple choice questions) and hoped he would reply. Unfortunately, I got nothing….. Until over a week later! I was so excited that he replied that I immediately responded to his questions and within 24 hours of his response we had completed the website’s suggested ‘beginning’ communication steps. Email was next… unfortunately, he was not great at emails- they were short, and all over the place.

He offered me his phone number and asked for mine. Not an hour after I sent him my cell phone number, he called me! We talked for over 2 hours (he was much better on the phone than in email). We arranged to meet the next day. Fast forward to that morning… I was SO nervous!

We planned to meet at a restaurant on a Sunday… seemed safe enough… And I told my parents where I would be as well as some friends. I got to the restaurant early and was frustrated to find that the parking situation sucked. Finally I saw a car leaving and looped around to grab the spot- only to find some jerk in a big truck stole the spot from me! Begrudgingly I drove down the street and parked.

Walking toward the restaurant I kept my eyes down, I was seriously freaking out! When I looked up, I spotted him. He was smiling and waving, I fought the nervous voice in my head telling me I was crazy and smiled back. As I got closer my heart was racing and my mouth went totally dry. Not good.

There I was, standing in front of him. He nervously muttered about leaving his phone in his truck (truck?) and retreated to the very truck that took my parking spot!!! “YOU stole my parking spot!” Oops… I said it. He laughed. We spent the next several hours talking, laughing, eating, and laughing some more. I went home excited. I wondered when id hear from him again… the next day, between classes, I grew impatient and sent him a text. It wasn’t anything fabulous- just a quick “I had a great time yesterday, I hope to see you again”……. Ugh, the waiting. What is it about waiting that makes your stomach feel sick?

After class I saw that he did respond- from there on we were talking constantly. (And not much has changed, haha) After about a month he met Brooke. They totally hit it off. He learned the rules to Candy Land quickly… And he didn’t complain when he realized that all the rules supported the end result of her winning. The rest, as they say, is history. We were engaged 9 months later, and married two weeks after that. I wouldn’t call it a fairy tale, per say, but it has been a fun, exciting, and happy 5 years. Sure, we have dealt with problems (deployment, renting out our house, selling a house, buying a house, a horrible cursed desert trip…) but we get through the issues and at the end of the day there is nobody else I’d rather have by my side. He is my best friend.

And now for my momfession update (you can read that blog here):

I have seen improvement! I think partly because once I put it out in the universe I was much more aware of the yelling than I had been before. And, who wants to put a bad update up?! Plus, when I don’t yell, I get a better response (bonus). There are still bad days, of course, and nothing has gotten ‘easier’ per say, or even less stressful, but I am trying hard to chose patience. I am not perfect. I struggle with it everyday. But seeing an improvement is really relieving and inspiring. For now, I am trying to remember to breathe before reacting… When I do, my reaction isn’t as sharp and the outcome is usually happier.

And now just a general FYI:

Life got a bit crazier a couple weeks ago when my school leave of absence ended and a new class began. This class is a heavy load. It is 10 weeks long and in the first 5 weeks there is a major paper every week (torture) and a quiz. I am two weeks in and have managed so far, heck, I’ve even turned the papers in early! Three more huge papers to go and then the stress will lower (slightly). So I haven’t abandoned this blog… Im just trying to stay afloat. And with that, Everett is crying and Brooke is ready for her next school assignment… Duty calls! Back to #momming!

Catch ya later, thanks for reading!